Things I Cannot Say
by Alexandrite Moonlight
Summary: [One Shot][Sequel to Things Left Unsaid] What would you do for the one that you love? Would you sacrifice your life for their happiness? Would it tear you apart that they would never know how much you love them because you were afraid to let them know?


Dear Readers, Again I apologize for taking so long with the other stories and I know that this no way of compensation; however, after reading your reviews and going back over the original story I thought that it might make a nice chaptered story. I hope this turns out like I have it planned

Thank you all for your comments. Please keep them coming.

-----------Question/preface-----------

In the throws of war two hearts meet and melded forming one through pain and joy, anguish and beauty; however peace was never bought cheap and those left torn and injured, wearing the scars and tales of war upon their bodies and souls, are left to bear the penance for humanity. 

What would you do for the one that you love? Would you sacrifice your life for their happiness? Would there be no regrets? Any necessary words left unspoken between you? Being so near them and yet unable to explain to them, to tell them what you should have said before. Would it tear you apart that they would never know how much you love them because you were afraid to admit the feeling, afraid that it would make the dependence on that person more real and … final?

-------------------------------------------

**__**

~To really know someone is to have loved and hated him in turn.~

I'm still here…

I just wish that I could let you know that I'm still here…

And that I know you're here too…

How long has it been now? A year? Two? Three perhaps?

If I could laugh I would. It's funny… isn't it? Funny that I can no longer remember. 

I finally stopped trying to count… I never knew how long I slept, how long I lay awake (if you could call it that), and when you come, in those fleeting moments that are so precious, I no long care about the passing of time because it always seems to go on forever… but then forever ends and you have to leave.

I don't want to know anyway. I don't want to know how long it has been since I have seen your face.

I see it in my mind, but it isn't the same. Have you changed at all?

I'm missing so much of your life aren't I?

I'm so sorry… I want to be there, be with you… 

That is why I'm still here. 

There are days… or are they nights? Oh well… there are days that I wish that I could just let go. Give up. Let sleep and peace take me. Be done with this world and its pain. But I can't can I? This world, in all its pain, has you in it. You're here and that is exactly where I need to be. I have to be with you.

You're the only thing in this world that keeps me hanging on, keeps me drifting determinedly through the nothing of my life. I haven't had much in this world worth this dreary existence. There is nothing but you that I am thinking of as I go through this darkness.

Friends?

Sure I have friends. Thanks to you I have more than I thought was possible, but… I have lived most of my life without them and survived. Friends lost their value the day I started Hogwarts, the day I learned that they could be easily bought. I know that my school friends weren't really _friends _but that was what I grew up knowing. Even the ones that I have now… they just aren't as important to me as they are to you.

I know that you don't believe it, but it is true. Even with the growing friendship with Hermione I couldn't imagine hanging on day by day, immobile, lost in my own labyrinth of thoughts and deeds, just for the chance to see her again.

I am trying…

Oh God… I want to see your face again. Feel it with my own hand. Trace each wonderful curve as I use to. I want you to kiss me. 

I want to be able to kiss you back! 

It isn't fair!

………..

I've at least gained the ability to cry… sometimes.

I can feel the tear now, hot as it trails over my pale cheeks (I can only imagine how I must look to you now).

I think you wiped one away once. It was your hand, wasn't it? I would know it anywhere, in any condition. The shape of it, the texture, the scent that is only you; magick and musk so strong that it can only be you. Its like everything wonderful in the world was bound up in sunlight and skin, molded by power and intensified by magick.

It's intoxicating…

Reminding…

I can remember everything so well. I suppose I should look at it as an advantage. When the monotony gets too much I can escape, back to those wonderful times that we've had. I value them so much and I have had enough time to remember every one until they have become a small world of their own in my mind. At first I was afraid that I would relive them so much that it would come to a point where I no longer valued them, but it wont. I've realized that now. No matter how long I replay them, no matter how many times I relive each and every one, they don't fade in value; they grow. They become all the more precious to me; not just because they are the only joy that I have now, but because in each one you are there, and every time I watch it play out again I find some new wonder in the scene.

My life now consists of darkness, pitch black that continually threatens to consume me. It is in those moments, the ones that feel as though my soul was being shredded and devoured that you shine out. 

Always the light, always.

I never knew what darkness I lived in before I knew you. To me, darkness was natural. It was comfort and the only thing I had known. I learned that you and I had both lived our lives in solitary confinements; mine was voluntary, a survival mechanism, I suppose. You had the faint hope and desire for something more than what you had, for an alternate and brighter future; I, on the other hand, had no such desire, I didn't know a brighter future was possible. Darkness, to me, was as wholesome as the sunlight was to you. I bathed in its embrace, grew in its misconceptions, and because it was darkness, no one could see what I became. I simply had no limits.

**__**

/a pale finger twitches slightly against the stiff cotton sheets/

By the Goddess, I was pathetic!

And you knew it…

****

You saw it from the very beginning. What others clung to in me: the power, the mask of unconcern, the dark strength, the debase morals and pseudo-pride; you shunned and turned from. Oh, how that grated on my nerves and pride. That you could so easily turn from what I propositioned, a friendship that I had offered no other before, with what I saw as obvious gain on your side; oh, how I hated you for the humiliation. 

You fascinated me from that moment on…

The advantage of this state of being is that I can go back and laugh at myself. The signs of my feelings, and yours, to a point, had been there all along. You consumed my every waking thought; first, with curiosity and unwanted awe, second, with hatred and obsession, then came the feelings of uncertainty and admiration, finally… finally, came love.

**__**

~Destiny has two ways of crushing us -- by refusing our wishes and by fulfilling them.~

That had been the lowest blow of all.

At least then it had.

Depression had set in, immediately before my realization. Then after. But it was the denial phase in between that really disgusts and amuses me. It was during that month I began going steady with Parkinson. If my body would obey, I would shudder now to think of it. I went out with her to prove to myself that I had no interest in boys… let alone you. Besides being a complete waste of time, it completely backfired. Instead of cementing my attraction to females, dating Parkinson quickly deteriorated any desire I had for a woman's body or mind. Too many soft curves disguising a way of thinking, so sharp and complex that I cut myself trying to figure out her motives as often as her motives left their mark.

I don't know what you saw in me. Still don't, but whatever it was, I am grateful that you were able to at least imagine it in me. You're delusions allowed me to experience a period of heaven I never thought I would know.

Thank you…

I wasn't what you thought I was, and I am not what others have termed me. I heard you when you told me I was named a Hero of War and though you didn't know it, I was laughing hysterically in my head.

Me a hero?

Please.

My change to the side of 'right' was not based on a change of heart or the sudden epiphany that everything that I had grown up with and felt and learned was wrong and twisted. I'm not a convert, even though I would gladly be so for you. I'm simply a selfish bastard in love.

I left the Dark Lord for you. I abandoned my friends and my principles for _you_. I disobeyed and dishonored my father for **you**. I did everything, you guessed it, for **_you_**. If you could hear my declaration you would become angry and demand what was so selfish in doing everything for you and not myself. The thing is, in doing everything for you I was doing everything for myself. 

I wanted you at first, I wanted you so badly it burned. 

People say love is unselfish, but I have never seen it. In doing things for you I am simply satisfying myself.

I'm not proud, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

There is my self pity again. It sneaks up every now and then to torment me in the darkness. It was there in the Astronomy Tower the day our status began to change…

****

…………Flashback…………

__

"Pathetic, Malfoy. Really Pathetic." 

I cursed myself, as I sat against the stone parapet wall. The night was cool as it always was during the dawn of Spring at Hogwarts and the breeze was light in my hair.

You had humiliated me again, foiling my brilliant scheme. Would it really have hurt you to have not sacrificed yourself to save Ron? I mean, a day with pale green skin and silver scales, would that have really hurt him? But no, you had to dive in front of him, trip on your own feet and manage to fall just in time to miss the damn potion! Of course, I had to be standing behind the both of you, in the line of fire. What better place to view Weasley's humiliation than being close at hand?

It had almost been foolproof… but you had been the one fool that it was proof against.

That was so like you, Harry.

The scales had finally faded and my skin was now just an odd coloration of silver and green patterns. If it hadn't been my own scheme and hadn't been so personal to me that you had intervened, I might have admired how I had pulled the scales and color of nicely. 

Ron couldn't have done as much, I can assure you.

The damn fool had gotten such a kick out of the entire spectacle and he was the one with dirt on his face, a new whole in his robes (or had that already been there?), and the lovely river of blood that flowed from his mouth where my fist had landed after he commented on my failure. As if he had actually known it was coming!

That wasn't the only thing on my mind, and green and silver weren't the only decorations on my skin. Father had called me home for Mother's birthday celebration and I _had come back with a new '_gift_'._

Two weeks and it still burned like acid beneath my skin.

I remember how I had rolled up the sleeve of my cloak, tugged the long black sleeve of my sweater up above the Mark. It stared out, its eyes seeming to focus on me even upside down, the snake curling from its jaw like some evil gesture from a picture in own of my father's books. In fact, I believe it was in many of my father's books.

I barely heard it, so consumed in my pain and misery, that sigh.

My head shot up and I quickly reached toward my wand. I had two choices: find the person and apply a memory charm quickly or else.. Well, lets just say I wasn't ready to face the next choice. 

My father would have been displeased at my hesitation, but he was displeased with me so often now a days and would be displeased even up to his death, that it really didn't matter anymore.

"Show yourself."

My voice was surer than my will and the observer remained silent.

"Show yourself, now!"

I stood up then, my stance defensive as I scanned the area. Suddenly a rustle and a distortion in the air drew my attention and my wand.

"Withdraw your wand." the voice was soft and the distortion was gone.

"You intruded upon me, have seen something that I cannot have known, and you expect me to leave myself vulnerable? I don't think so."

It sounded strong right?

"Just point it down. I'm sure that if the necessity comes you are quick enough to disarm me."

I couldn't tell if the voice was sincere, mocking, or simply trying to lighten the tone of our conversation. It seemed plausible and if I couldn't draw my wand fast enough then none of the problems I faced wouldn't matter anymore, so I lowered my wand.

"Your turn."

The distortion returned and from nowhere ebony hair and the emerald eyes that haunted his dreams, appeared before him, a look of uncertainty, slight disdain, and another unknown emotion in them.

"I should have known."

You smiled then and I fought to keep my feeling intact and cool.

"Am I really that predictable, Malfoy."

"No, just that annoying, Potter."

I think you were fighting with your own demons about me then. You told me later that you also had had some change towards me. I doubt it was the depth of my feeling yet, but the deepening probably began then. I think I saw it in your eyes. Eyes that flashed with resentment toward me as they focused on my arm.

"How does it feel?"

I knew what you meant, but he bastard in me couldn't resist.

"Hurts like bloody hell actually."

No sense pretending it wasn't there.

"You know what I mean."

Fire flashed in your eyes and I matched it with ice as I took my seat back against the cool stone.

"Do you mean how does it feel to have acid and hatred burning beneath my very skin? Or perhaps how it feels to have damnation tattooed in pain on my flesh and soul? Or perhaps still, how it feel to have that damnation order on me by my own father?"

My eyes met yours and you gaped. I grinned.

"What Potter? Do you want to know what it was like to feel his magic as it tore through my flesh, burning, and branding in its wake? Do you want to know how my father looked on me with pride for the first time in my life and how my mother watched disdainfully and helpless as I took the mark? How I hated myself?"

Something softened in your eyes and I came back to myself. I had babbled on, letting go of what I had repressed for so long… and I had let it go to you of all people. You just stood there, off in your own world, and I fell silent, the scar singing beneath my skin as though it knew I was talking about it, talking to you.

I pulled my knees to me, wrapped my arms around them, and let my head sag into the circle. It had felt good, but it had left me vulnerable.

Silence reigned between us, but I heard the rustle of your clothing and the padding of your footsteps and for a while I thought you were leaving; going off to brag to your friends at my misfortune or run and tell your precious Dumbledore. I thought that until I felt your presence beside me.

Turning my head slightly I saw you sitting beside me. I didn't know what to think, but I pulled my head up and looked straight out over the tower and the forest. 

"That bad huh?"

There was compassion in your voice and it was almost friendly. I hadn't expected that.

"What do you think?"

I looked at you and you laughed.

"I think you gave me the gentle version."

This time I laughed and looked up into the sky above.

"You have no idea."

Our laughter filled the night and I was surprised for many days after that that no one heard us that night. Your laughter died first and I could tell you were looking at me.

"What?"

"Can… can I see it?"

I suppose you accepted that I didn't want it. Who couldn't after my lovely triad? But still, I had never expected you to want to see it. I didn't even want to see it and ever time I undressed or took a shower, I had to meet that hideous visage. I turned to you, meeting your eyes, seeing hope for me somewhere in there. 

I don't even think you knew it was there, but I saw it.

So I focused on my arm and pushed my sleeves back up, holding my arm at for you to see. I turned my face away.

Your fingers traced the lines and I swear I felt the pain dull. You continued your exploration of my arm for several minutes and when I finally managed to look at the Mark and you I half expect it to have faded. In my mind it had, but on my skin it was as dark and horrible as ever.

I leaned back against the stones and we sat there for an hour or more together in silence, me contemplating and you caressing my arm. It was odd, but one of my most precious memories.

****

………END Flashback………

The next day we were back on familiar terms, but there was something in our expressions to each other that was less hostile. I'm almost glad I received the mark. I 'm pretty sure it will be with me the rest of my life but it is such a solid, if unsettling, reminder of our beginning. 

And that is how it should be.

Our one encounter became two, two became three, and the third meeting was when we decided to have regular visits: Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. Always after curfew, when all our housemates were asleep.

It was fun, adventurous, and wonderfully forbidden. How could we resist?

I couldn't resist you.

And when it came to the final battle, that all circled 'round again. I couldn't resist you. I wanted you happy, _I needed you to be happy._ You had told me of your past, of your relatives, of not ever having a family until Sirius. At least I had had my mother when my father wasn't looking. You… you had had no one and I wasn't going to let that happen again.

Not when I could prevent it.

So I made the choice…

I took the blast…

We had built up our powers together before and after the war began, before and after I officially defected and became a spy for your side… our side. Dumbledore was always amazed and our proficiency and talent. I still maintain that you were what made me strong and thank the Goddess.

You are what saved me… kept me from dying.

I absorbed the power, what I could of it and the rest… half rebounded outward, the other half went to work on my body. I couldn't fully over come it, but you did… you did and I know you have it in you to bring me back.

I'm trying… but I need you.

You just have to find the right way.

You should be here anytime soon. It seems like I am more able to sense when you're coming now. Any minute now you'll step into the room, your shoulder slumping suddenly from the weariness that I know you must be feeling and you'll sit beside me, take my hand and begin to fill me in on life.

I'll lay here, wishing I could respond. Wishing I could see you at least. And I listen to your voice and my mind puts your voice to my memories; half listening, half remembering.

You're right, we never told each other how we truly felt and I regret it.

There is so much I wanted to say before that battle, but I thought we would walk into and be enough to destroy them quickly. See what your optimism did? Oh well. I didn't tell you what I should have, but you didn't tell me either. I don't know what magick there is in words that once they are spoken, makes them undeniable, strong, and lasting. 

Neither of us ever had anything lasting and I think we were afraid.

At least you got to tell me the other day and I tried to tell you. 

I think I managed that day, but you were gone. I don't have the energy or today to do it again and I hate it that I can't.

We both had things we didn't say, but mine are the only words left unsaid and it is because I _can't _say them.

I can't tell you that I love you. I can only hope you know.

Until we break through this wall. Overcome this obstacle it is hopeless…

****

/a tear shines in the lights of the room as the door opens/

There you are.. 

You enter and my world brightens, but at the same time my grief increases.

You are right there.

Right There!

And there are so many things that I want to but I can't say…

__

I love you Harry…

****

~We are not permitted to choose the frame of our destiny. But what we put into it is ours.~


End file.
